Well it’s been nearly a week since the Eurovision Song Contest can you remember the song that won? Nope, thought not. There’s a good reason for that. They ALL sound the same. Anything that doesn’t ….well….. right side of the board.

It was hoped that the alteration in voting this year would have created a near impossible state of affairs with regards to political voting. How wrong they were. Eurovision forgot one thing – nobody likes Russia, at least not right now. Throw in the fact that it was a song about one of the greatest despots the planet has seen and there you go. I have to say having never heard the Ukraine’s entry as soon as somebody mentioned the phrase “it’s about the deportation of Tartar Muslims by Stalin” my reply was “and that will win”. Nothing says Eurovison winner like a politically well aimed dart.  Bullseye.  It’s a shame really as there were a lot of good songs amongst the  warbled dross slash disco warble that most countries send. First off the Netherlands had a kind of 1960s summer of love Beach Boys vibe to it. Georgia and it’s rock was fantastic – and I was delighted to see the UK gave that top spot on the vote – and then there was the UK. I’d never heard the song before and it was good, very good, better than some of the stuff we’ve sent recently (Bonnie Tyler?) but alas it was not bland. However special mention for Belgium  Just because Fleur East and Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars have used that riff doesn’t mean you have to.  We’re so over that now.

I’m a fan of Eurovison, hell I even had Charpentier’s Te Deum as my walking down the aisle music at my wedding although not one person recognised it as the Eurovision theme which was most disappointing, but until the UK starts sending generic blandless we are not going to win.

So here is my three point plan to winning Eurovision:

1. Solo artist please. Backing dancers allowed but artist must walk dramatically onto the stage themselves.
2. Look pained.  You must look pained, close to tears is also good but remember those jazz hands.
3. Sparkles.  Just shove those sequins on the dress like your life depends on it.   Men should wear a white shirt preferably with a hint of chest and do a cheeky “Look your Nana would love me” smile.

There.  That should do it.  Or we could just think “to hell with it” and send a rock band…..